Monday, May 22, 2017

Alien Covenant RANT #review

YOU HAD ONE JOB DUDE.


What would it take to bridge the gap between a "not-so good" movie (Prometheus) and the greatest sci-fi horror movie of all time (Alien, duh)? Apparently, a convoluted mess. Got it.







SPOILERS AHEAD




How can the guy who invented the franchise mess it up so much as to retcon the whole mythology in such a sloppy way and make such a stunningly shot movie so predictable and 1 dimensional. 

It lacked the epic-ness worthy to even play the "gods enter Valhalla" song they kept alluding to. If you're going to kill off an entire race of beings so advance that it created life, DON'T DO IT IN A FLASHBACK. Make that your opening scene. We knew Wayland was a jerk from the first movie, which we can view at any moment's notice (including in the theater while waiting for previews to start, it's 2017).

Elizabeth Shaw was the person setup to be in the sequel. NOPE she died off screen. 

The idea that David was the reason the engineers were wanting to kill the human race was unnoticed by everyone. No one thought A.I. would be the threat to the engineers. David created the xenomorphs, when we see murals and sculptures of them in every wall in Prometheus is so obviously a plot hole. 

You know who I was interested in seeing from the new cast? Yup James Franco. Nope he died in his pod, I had no idea it was him. I kept waiting to see him pop-up to help. What he do to deserve that punch in the gut. was it a joke? Did it add any kind of tension to the movie? no.

Did it make it harder for the crew to make decisions? no. 

Everyone is married. All the wives die and no one cares about it. Why even bring that up. They should've been wrecked from that alone. Instead we're treated to a Jurassic Park 2 type action set piece in some tall grass, shooting at albino aliens that are bullet proof, but hate light flares. 

Why even bother? The spores are so advance, the whole crew should've been aliens. It was airborne pathogen that covered the WHOLE city. They're walking through hell, completely immune to everything until the plot says so.  

Last but not least, how in the world did David instantly imprint with a fully grown "albino-morph" and a baby xenomorph to the point where they have a puppet choreography? WTF? Did he implant a chip? Are they androids? Is he the Alien whisperer? C'mon Mr. Ridley Scott. Don't go full Lucas on us. Symbolic or not. We're not in the mood. It's hard enough to believe that a person can get over the worst day of their life, change course on years of researching a planet, run from dna mutating/ acid for blood spawns of David and suddenly have the composure to execute an improvised (the same plan from Alien) plan to get rid of the perfect organism.







Have you seen the movie? What did you think about it? 
Feel free to rant in the comments
 
 




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